In dealing with other people, we are going to experience emotions. These emotions will give rise to impulses. These impulses can dictate our behavior if we let them.
We have had a really good day, and now everything is in line with the universe. We are feeling very happy! So, we are very nice and generous to every one that we meet.
The next day, it seems like everyone is out to get us; the clerk at the store was rude, our boss wants us to do extra work that we don't really have the time for, and our kids call us on the cell phone to ask if we can drive them somewhere when we get off work. So, then, we feel frazzled, anxious and a little ticked off. So, we storm through the day, hardly noticing any one else, much less bothering to respond to them.
Such is life. But, ultimately, we are in control of all of this. It does not seem like it at the time, but we are. We certainly can not control the flow of the universe, what emotions come up, how we feel about things, or if we have an emotional outburst.
It's after the realization that our emotions have come to the fore, and given rise to impulsive behaviors, that is the important part. What we do next, makes the difference.
First off, other people are going to elicit emotional responses from us. That's just a fact. We are not robots or Vulcans who are perfectly logical. We are humans. We are wired to experience a myriad of emotions. We have all had inner wounds, that people may find on accident, or on purpose, and push our buttons, or trigger our defenses. If we can admit that, then that is half of the battle.
Once someone has triggered an emotion in us, we should take a moment to reflect. Is it this actual event that has caused this emotion, or is this a soft spot left over from another incident where we were hurt? If it is a defensive reaction from an old wound, then we can acknowledge that, and not allow that to seep back into this event. We can take a deep breath, calm down, and move on.
If it is this event that has caused this emotion, then we can acknowledge that, too. Our feelings are a part of us, and our emotions are as important as anyone else's. They are more important to us, because we have to live with them. If someone causes an emotion in us, we have the right to speak up about that, and in the interest of our relationships with others, we should. If we keep something in, it will eat at us and could become a toxic dump where other emotions go to fester within us. So, examine this emotion, identify what has caused it, and speak your peace. If the other person is willing to listen and communicate with you, you have taken a step forward, possibly in both of your developments. If the other person can not deal with this because of their own emotions, then, we may be at an impasse with them. It can be very sad and disappointing when this happens. If we can not move forward with another person, then we may have to let them go their own way, or leave that job, or just do our best to be good to that person to try and show them how you want to be treated, by treating them in that way.
Most of us realize that we are in control of our impulses. Some people with ADHD and other developmental problems may have a little more trouble controlling their impulsivity than other people.
The ability to control our impulses is a key in dealing with other people. If we kissed everyone that we found attractive, and smacked everyone that made us mad, we would have serious problems, wouldn't we?! Impulse control is up to us to cultivate.
If an emotion spurs an impulse, examine that impulse and what emotion guided it. Then decide what course of action would be best in the situation. Would acting on this impulse help the situation in any way? Or, would carrying out this impulse endanger you or anyone else in any way?
If we can become proficient at impulse control, we can channel our impulses into constructive tools to build relationships. Just remember that you do have a right to your emotions and opinions. If your heart is screaming that it must act on something, then you should listen. But, you should act from a place of love, peace and compassion after all of the components are examined. Many wonderful friendships and relationships have been built because someone felt the need to speak up. Peace has been made between countries because one side spoke up about something bothering them in such a way that the other county's leaders were willing to listen and act. Tact should always be employed, and that is a skill to cultivate as well.
We are in charge of our own personal behavior. Emotions are going to happen. Impulses are going to come up, but it's up to us how we behave after that fact. I think that "The Golden Rule", was an important philosophy that has been unfortunately cast to the wayside nowadays. If we all treated others as we would like to be treated in a situation, our understanding, compassion and impulse control would become second nature to us, and we could with practice, know that we have done unto others, as we would have done to us. Too many people are doing unto others, before they do unto them. That way lies the destruction of civilized society, and the invitation to chaos.
It's all up to you. And it's all up to me. And it's all up to them. So, it's all up to us. What do we want the future to look like for our children, and their's?
Think about it!
Angelia
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP
Works of Heart-Women's Ministry, Outreach & Education
http://www.worksofheart.bravehost.com/
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